Up until Monday I felt that things with my training were really beginning to improve and that I was getting somewhere. Sadly I was completely and utterly deluded!
I have to admit that yesterdays two trip weren't as good as my previous ones. This all died on its arse when a manager got in the cab at Basingstoke - this was the first time anyone other than myself and my instructor had been in the can. It stressed me out completely - I would have much preferred a maniac with an axe as at least I would not now have to live under the cloud of what followed.
Just before my penultimate station he asks me how many hours I had done, followed by asking me whether I would be comfortable to stop at the station without any input from my instructor - which frankly was loaded questions go is up there with 'When did you stop beating your wife?' Now first of all I must explain that when you stop you first shut off the power at a certain point and then brake at another predetermined point. As I mentioned before I was stressed just by him being there and completely missed the shut off point, a lot of shouting ensued and all but my parentage seemed to be called into question. This left me feeling physically sick, shaking and was taken out of the driving seat to be berated further. Coincidentally I did manage to stop at the station, although rather hurriedly.
Just to make things worse I was then taken into a meeting with said manager and my instructor and told that the cab ride was deliberate as questions had been asked by some other managerial parasite why I had gone over the 225hrs and still hadn't been put in for my test. Consequently I will now be put with another instructor for 40hrs to see if a fresh pair of eyes can sort my stopping out. They did say that it is not their intention to allow me to fail and that the error I made was to be expected as I am still in training - frankly I don't believe a flaming word they are saying, but was too stunned to make any coherent points about the fact I have been faffed about from day one and my training has been somewhat fitful to say the least. All they got out of me was the question 'What happens if I am just a hopeless case?' Not much of a response beyond them reiterating that they did not want me to fail.
Add to this the fact that I am now being told by this manager that the way I have been taught to stop is wrong, makes me wonder whether these halfwits know what they are doing full-stop! Also they asked me to explain the comment on my weekly report regarding the BR dinosaur I had the displeasure of being out with for two days, which I stated had damaged my confidence.
Needless to say when I got home I cried for 2hrs non-stop - this is something I have never done since I was a child. During that time I honestly contemplated taking an over-dose feeling that I had let everyone down especially Penny for dragging her yet again miles to set up home in an area neither of us know that well. Obviously I didn't, but if I am honest I think I would rather be dead than fail this and have to go back to the misery of architecture.
Tomorrow I have to go back to work for three days then I am off for three and really I would rather do anything other than go back in there for the time being and certainly don't want to sit at the controls of a train irrespective of who is instructing me.
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